why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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