I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
