So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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