I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
