I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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