im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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