I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
thus making me awesome and them whores
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
