my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
