see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
