i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
