Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
