those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
