So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
