i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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