So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
