I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
