I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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