I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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