What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
