What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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