so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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