so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
