matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
