i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
