his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
