Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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