i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
