He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
