Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
