im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
