another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
