I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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