she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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