Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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