I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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