I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
