Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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