drinking out of a sandbucket again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have already put on my inside pants.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
