i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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