My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
