He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
