I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
