she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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