If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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