You made me cry and you don't even care
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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