I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just pee around me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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