Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
