i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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