There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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