so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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